Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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