you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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