The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
