You just made me feel so damn special
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
