I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
