Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
