Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
