there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
