His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize