I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
