between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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