My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
