whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
