I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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