So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
