there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
