that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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