my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Randomize
