I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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