omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
