You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
