At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
