just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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