I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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