Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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