A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
