Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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