just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
