did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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