the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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