I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
