you're like a bully in the Christmas story
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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