omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
