Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
