and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
