He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Two words: blizzard sex
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
