Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
