Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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