what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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