I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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