I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
