I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
