ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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