She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
