dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
