So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
