omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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