yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Even my vagina gasped.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
