So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
