for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
