Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
