i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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