youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
