My sheets look like a crime scene.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
