My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
